You Really Did

Make me choose.

I would have made the choice anyway, but don't act like it wasn't a choice. It was all lip service - the "I am not making anyone choose my side in this fight." Well, her behavior was such that I could really not choose her side. She was verbally and physically abusive to you. Not to mention the repulsive things that she had allowed go on in her own home for so long. I had been afraid for her, then lost respect. And when she harmed you, scared you, and scarred you on what was supposed to be a happy occasion - of course I would take your side. A) I do not condone that kind of behavior - the kind she displayed, nor the kind she was allowing him to treat her and us with and B) You were the one who always stood up for her, and him, making it all seem okay, so to turn on YOU was almost unforgivable to me.

So we all made that choice (and it was a choice, let me remind you once again), with the exception of A, who had no choice, due to work conditions. And I was the one who listened to you cry, who held your hand, who helped you gain strength, and figure out who you were. Who heard and understood your fears that everyone would just forgive her like they always did, and you would be left alone.

But that didn't happen. Everyone was a team, rebuilding after so much damage had been done, and it's not like I really had anything against anyone anyway. HIM, yes, I did. He belongs in jail. He belongs away from humans. He will never be okay. Her, because she wasn't taking responsibility for her own choices, for the hurtful things she had done to you, me, all of us. But I was never really that pissed. I mostly just didn't care at all. You were though, and I was pissed for you. And I walked with you, all the way through every emotion. All of it.

Then it was her birthday, and she had broken up with him (though not really, as I learned later). So we all thought it would be shitty to be alone on ones birthday and we surprised her. It was awkward and weird and you were the one who was most worried about it but you were the one who ended up being most okay about it.

And everything went back to the way it was before, just like you worried it would. Only featuring YOU as the star player, and leaving me out in the cold. I would have come to this realization sooner but Zac is much nicer than I am. Making excuses for everyone. They are at this point in their lives, they are doing this, they think we're this and that and the other thing. I say bullshit. Things were okay before. Nobody had problems returning calls or emails before. And I'm not talking about forwards, "You are my bestest friend in the world" crap. Sorry if I send them, I do, I am superstitious. But If I call you 15 times since June and I get one call back in July saying, "Oh I am totally busy, sorry, sucky friend..." I get the hint. And you're not that busy, busy with your drinking, maybe.

I run my mouth and say some shit, sure. But you do too. You said the ONE thing that I just can't get over. Your cameo appearance at my son's birthday party is greatly appreciated, as is all you've done for us, especially with Dante, I will never forget that.

But I don't even know who you are anymore. Do you? Is this what you want for yourself and your life? If it is, awesome, best of luck to you. You won't even read this (and I'm not sure I want you to) but I needed to say it because it is time for me to let it go already. Feeling sad and angry about it is doing me much harm and there is so much more for me to be focusing on instead of the choices YOU make and mourning for something that is already long gone is just an exercise in futility.

I just miss you. And if I had to do it all over again? I would have made the same choice.