Saturday, January 9, 2010

There Goes the Neighborhood

I live in a weird neighborhood. Also, I am constantly dreaming up scenarios of what my neighbors might be doing. I have touched on this before in this post. Things are getting strange again. Maybe it's winter, I don't know. Long winters and big snows tend to do fucked up things to people. I mean, I have seen some epically weird things in Madison. I have seen the blind leading the blind (literally). I saw a man who looked like the Gorton's fisherman crawl out of Lake Monona (or so it appeared) and ask if he could play darts with us. Some dude showed me his Prince Albert. I saw someone kick the shit out of his bicycle at a bus stop. A man who looked exactly like Charles Manson explained to me that he was from the planet Pilades and sadly informed me he would soon have to return. It was fascinating, I talked to him for quite awhile. Shit, I shouldn't be telling you this, I should write a book 'Crazy People of Madison'.

This winter has been bizarre. I recently witnessed a man having a heated argument with a snowbank. On Christmas day, a guy was walking up the street rapping about his sucky life. Here is a snippet: "If you think that I'm insane, I'm a punch you in the brain." (It was actually pretty good, better than a lot of rap on the radio - and I like rap. If I was a record producer, I would have signed him on the spot).

This is the most disturbing thing this week though - Swinger orgy sex club people have indeed moved and now the Klopeks have moved in.

It started out with just weird flashes and a few noises, but now they are full on experimenting on humans and getting rid of the evidence. This is much more apparent now that we have snow and the plows can disguise the noise. Also, I have never actually seen them so for all I know, their son is some freakish red head a la Hans. Who knows?

Last night, all we heard was weird loud metallic banging noises, like some sort of Industrial Revolution era machinery. Nobody even cares in this 'hood, so it's not like the cops would be called. Well, maybe now, with the new McNeighborhood. But about 7 years ago someone a few blocks away was using their house as a meth lab and it exploded. For real. I'm sure everyone knew what was going on, but people tend to mind their own business. This is a perfect example as to why I am clearly NOT delusional about such things.

As a result of recent developments, Zac and I are thinking about making some new friends. Maybe staging a covert stakeout first. Perhaps bringing them some brownies as an ice breaker.


  1. Oh fuck. I just laughed so hard my stomach hurts.

  2. Dude, I wish I lived near Madison. I would TOTALLY do that stakeout with you.

  3. Jen-Jen, you are one of the funniest chicks evah! I just read your other "freaks of the neighborhood" post. Fucking awesome.

    We live in the suburbs now, so not much interesting going on anymore. But, back in the day we had people we knew as "The Mysterious Moustache", "El Vez", and "The Phantom". The Phantom would just appear while we were on the stoop, ask us if we wanted to buy some ecstacy, then vanish.