Jean-Claude Van Damme

I was looking for a picture of him doing the splits between two chairs because he seriously finds a way to do that in every single movie he is in, right? But I'm lazy and this is the best I can do for right now.

I kinda love Jean-Claude Van Damme. In that cheesy sort of way. I do realize he is a massive d-bag and not at all cool and that they should have made him stop making movies about 15 years ago, but whatever. He used to be hot.

We were at Target the other day and you know how they do those multi-pack DVDs now? Well they had a Jean-Claude Van Damme one. It had Kickboxer, Replicant, and Universal Soldier on it. Ehhh... not quite. If it had the trifecta of Kickboxer, Bloodsport, and Universal Soldier, I would have bought it in a fucking heartbeat, despite the "you should have mentioned this to me BEFORE we got married," comments from the peanut gallery. Those three movies are freaking awesome and YOU KNOW IT.

When I was like sixteen I thought that maybe I could be Jean-Claude Van Damme's seventh or eighth wife someday. He was HOT, come ON!

And he starred in Bloodsport. OMG I could watch that movie over and over. The funny thing is, ever since I became a mom I cannot watch UFC. I can't watch actual guys actually beat the shit out of each other anymore. I can only watch "sports entertainment" and movies like Bloodsport. Yeah it is stupid but it is based on an actual guy and features an Oscar winning actor which is more than most ridiculously stupid movies can say. It also features what is quite possibly the worst soundtrack of all time.

And he was the KICKBOXER. Just a hard luck dork who watched his brother suffer at the hands of that vicious fuck Tong Po, so he had to go to a far away country and learn the art of Muay Thai (kinda Karate Kid rip off style) in order to exact his revenge. I'm sorry but Kickboxer is a badass and totally stupid but extremely entertaining movie.

My brother and two of his friends and I went to see Universal Soldier the day it came out. We knew this would be box office crap (which meant gold in our opinions) because it also featured Dolph "I Will Break You" Lundgren. And it did not disappoint. It was completely laugh out loud hilarious with some awesome fight scenes and explosions. That movie rocks. We were the only people in the theatre that afternoon. We might possibly be the only people who actually paid to see that movie.

Zac thinks that Timecop is Van Damme's masterpiece. I disagree. Yes it had more plot than most of his movies and actually was his highest grossing film I believe, but I thought it was fucking stupid. Who cares if his acting was best in that movie? He's not supposed to be a good actor. He's supposed to kick some ass and look pretty in front of explosions and fire. This is what makes movies good to me. Actually here is the perfect formula: Kurt Russell + Natural Disaster + Explosions = Awesome Movie. I think Zac just likes Timecop because Mia Sara was in it.

I have not seen Replicant so I cannot comment on that. It's later Jean-Claude Van Damme and I suspect his movies do not get better as the years go on. I think the last one of his films that I saw was Double Team which is perhaps the worst movie ever. Dennis Rodman is in it, okay? Mickey Rourke is too but we're talking alcoholic, nobody will employ me, pre-Marv Mickey Rourke.

I am pretty sure I just talked myself into buying the DVD.